Living with Chronic Pain

Since January 2010, my life has been altered forever, due to Fibromyalgia. For those not familiar with Fibromyalgia it's an abnormality, that confuses the brain and sends messages of crisis constantly and never stops sending these wrong messages. The result is widespread joint and muscle pain after rest and effort, depression, brain fog, exhaustion and whole body inflammation. Every patient has different degrees of mostly the above listed symptoms.  For me, pain is my most prevalent symptom, I experience a very high degree of pain each morning upon rising. It's widespread and severe, I take about eight different types of medicine in the morning to help reduce the pain but its very typical for the pain to last most of the day.
At first, it is difficult to accept that your life has changed involuntarily forever .  I was always hoping that one morning I would wake up painless again like before and my old self would return. It's been four long years with this condition, although my pain management skills has improved greatly by going to some free Pain Management workshops and the medicine combinations.  Now,  I am just grateful I am still alive and my pain therapy continues to improve. It's very likely this will never go away but I know now not to focus on what I no longer can do but rather on what I still can do.
I launched Euphonious Radio in 2012 in hope this could be my new career, an internet radio broadcaster. This is something I can do from home which is actually my highest priority at the moment.
To be continued…

It Can Always Be Worse

These days are combined with many volatile feelings, changing quicker than I change my boxers.  Since, I've never been good at managing my feelings, I feel as uncomfortable as sitting in a steaming sauna next to  a 94 year old naked, wrinkled great grandmother. Good one! So, I am unsure of how to navigate through this land mine of feelings.
To say in the past three months, I am feeling overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and cheated would be an accurate assessment. The culprit of this mosh pit of feelings is the end of an extremely difficult marriage filled with artificial love, deceit, chronic pain and chronic lying.
This is part of the healing process, however positive it may be in the end, feeling these emotions continuously for the past three months,  SUCKS!
If I have learned anything from past experiences, I must allow myself to feel the feelings that are overwhelming me, otherwise they continue to rise up and burden me endlessly.
I have always had a lot of success healing from difficult circumstances using music, writing, comedy and family as avenues to heal.
However, this time is different I need medical help navigating through the endless pain and now severe depression. The two are typical partners when dealing with chronic pain and there is no instruction manual when battling any chronic condition. I greet each situation of adversity with a deep breath and then I proceed to do the best I can, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes it's good enough but most of the time it is not, then I must accept the realty, regardless of what I like. Otherwise, I will become mental from trying to change something which I am not in control.
Well, I have one last component of surviving any bad situation. Once, I truly allow myself to feel the emotions evoked from the bad situation and I have allowed myself to cry over it then it is time to laugh. The old saying "it can always be worse" is one way I find closure on these situations. I love to make people laugh and I always have way before my Chronic Pain syndrome. I like to make jokes about everything, I use comedy as a way to work through the situations I cannot control. This strategy has worked well for me over the years. After feeling the emotions and then laughing at the adversity, there is only one thing left for me to do, and that is to spit in the eye of adversity. Then pick myself up, dust off then continue with doing the best I am able.

The End Or A New Beginning

Is today the day? I end my life journey and check out, finish, the end or do I find another reason to live? This question and many others have been churning through my mind now for the past three months. Things have been mounting up and I'm feeling a lot of pressure, finding a new place to live and a way to make Euphonious Radio a commercial success. There has been too many depressing phone calls and meetings, that I am now clinically depressed. This is all in addition to my chronic pain syndrome which plagues me daily in one variation or another. Each day I experience a high degree of pain upon waking which takes all day to manage (with a hand full of pills, hot baths, a strict diet, napping and of course maintaining a balance of physical and mental exercise). This alone is a full time affair and now I have enough extra tasks to keep busy for months, it's becoming overwhelming. Help!

The Sea Of Paper

In my lifetime, I have seen at least a dozen specialists, applied for tax breaks, utilized the Human Rights Tribunal, involved in numerous tests and even consulted with Lawyers. I have seen, signed and delivered many pieces of paper over the past forty years and even kept afloat despite this Sea Of Paper (metaphors are not real, right?).

This Sea Of Paper is a very unstable body, made up of forms that range from the sublime, to the redundant and some simply ridiculous. This instability causes delays that mystify real life and causes this "one step forward and then two steps back" syndrome.
The condition initiated itself in 2001 and since 2010 was in a type of remission, where flare ups would be maybe two or three episodes per year.  Then completely unexpected, the condition had begun to metamorphisize itself from an IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) to a Whole Body Pain Syndrome.
I currently find myself as a recently separated middle aged man with a Whole body Pain Syndrome, applying for social assistance. Not necessarily the dream life, we all dream of as young and naive children. Regardless of the circumstances, I must feel humbled and appreciative, I even have a life.
However I believe - I can choose to continue or simply give up and take my life - The End. I choose to live and continue with my life. My two daughters, Annalise and Genevieve are my reasons to continue. I want to see them grow-up and of course have a great relationship with them both.
For now, I have plunged into the Sea of Paper and although I find it quite challenging, I feel I will get to the shore of my choice, one day.

My Invisible Disease - Part 3

Since, my condition is no longer undiagnosed. In case you had missed it, I had received a Fibromyalgia diagnosis from the Fibromyalgia specialist a few months ago. Now, I feel this blog 'Living In Pain' deserves a makeover which includes a new title. I think 'My Invisible Disease' is perfect for the chronicled journey of a middle aged man living with Fibromyalgia. From here it will be referred to as 'Fibro', it's a lot easier than continuously writing Fibromyalgia.
Since, unlike other diseases that leave some kind of physical trait(s) that are identifiable to outsiders. Essentially, Fibro is an invisible disease with each patient potentially having a varied array of symptoms completely different from one another and most of them invisible to outsiders. Therefore, I feel the new title 'My Invisible Disease' more fitting and for sure more interesting than 'Living In Pain' and definitely more likely to be unique.
As I write these lines it is 4:17am, I am in a lot of pain, however, you cannot see my pain. You can only see the symptom of it, a sleepless night. There are many reasons people may not be able to sleep but mine is because of 'My Invisible Disease'.

My Invisible Disease - Part 2

Well, my family doctor had referred me to a Fibromyalgia Specialist in Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto, Canada. I must add it was an eighteen month process to be able to see him. I waited six months for my appointment and then another 12 months before the actual appointment day. I see him now every six months to monitor my condition. He has diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and he is suspicious of it possibly being Limes disease. I have been tested three previous times for Limes and all tests were negative. In addition, I have had two complete Immunology screenings done in McMaster Hospital with everything coming back as negative results. This has definitely been an adventure and I get the feeling that it's hardly over.
In the meantime, day to day, I struggle with most parts of the day but I do my best. Lately, I find myself sleeping a lot, the chronic fatigue component of the Fibro has been
very prominent. Despite all the sleep, I never feel fully rested. I know this is a hard thing for regular people to accept because it is illogical to perceive this is even possible. However, this is pretty common with most Fibro sufferers, as I am learning. I am also learning that each Fibro patient has their own unique distinctions. One patient may have prominent depression symptoms while another's distinct symptom may be chronic pain. No matter how bad things get it's amazing for me to imagine there is someone dealing with something worse than myself, but it's true.
My motto that help's me get through each day is "Take a deep breath and do the best you can".

My Invisible Disease - Part 1

It has been thirteen months since my last entry and a lot of things have culminated during this time. However, I will focus on the past few days first and then address at least the more significant happenings during the rest of this time.

Once again, I find myself recovering from what I rate as a pretty significant flare up of my symptoms. Yesterday, the pain was extreme from head to toe with the added bonus of having the sensation of pins and needles being pushed into my head. There were moments when the pain was so intense I thought I was going to pass out but instead I was wiping off the tears on my face. Along with the extreme pain, I had extreme fatigue as well. So, I found myself taking a lot of naproxen in addition to my regular dosage of pain medication and just simply sleeping it off.

In the past few weeks, the fatigue factor has been higher than usual and I have been sleeping around thirty percent more. If I were to give it a score out of ten, ten being the worst and 0 being the best, I would give it an eight. The normal rating of the fatigue would be a six out of ten. The pain yesterday would get a nine out of ten where it typically is a seven with the sporadic rating of an eight out of ten. The regular dosage of pain medicine would be enough to do it's job and bring it between a four or six. This is typically enough to continue my day in my modified world.

In order to have some sort of life, I was able to realize that modifying my activities to fit within the boundaries of my invisible disease would be the only way. This is not always easy but I have learned, it is well, necessary. Even on the days where I feel mild symptoms. Those days are especially tricky because the boundary lines are invisible and the fear of crossing them are combined with the temptation of maximizing the day. For me walking when you can jog seems to be a waste of time and the loss of an experience. However, I think walking twice the distance then you are able to jog is a wiser choice under the circumstances.  It is this modified way of thinking and the right combination of pain medication which has allowed me to improve the quality of my daily life.

The appreciation of having something as opposed to the alternative, I guess it is the same as the count your blessings approach. Take stock of what you have and what you are able to do instead of highlighting what you can't do and what Is missing in your life.

I know it sounds logical and simple but believe me when your life is suddenly turned upside down, it is a difficult concept to manage.