Crisis Management

The past two months have been very difficult on Lisa and I and of course my Mother, (so she tells me). We are doing the best we can but will it be good enough? I sure hope so because I love Lisa, Annalise, Genevieve, my entire immediate and extended family and my friends. Every aspect of our little beautiful life has been impacted and each month it becomes more intense. Our financial situation is very dire due to the loss of my income Since November 2010. I have applied for CPP Disability but my Doctor is not optimistic I will qualify without a diagnosis. Nonetheless, we had to try as we need more money to sustain our current financial commitments and humble lifestyle. Without a disability benefit each month we will be forced to sell my car and the house to avoid bankruptcy. I know there have been many people forced to do the same in recent years due to layoffs across our globe. Maybe your thinking, so what I did it, so can you. Well then you understand how difficult it is. Now, imagine dealing with a debilitating chronic undiagnosed illness in addition. I don't want your sympathy but I wish to create an environment of understanding. Disintegrating in front of your spouse, children, family, friends, coworkers, and even neighbors is a very humiliating and humbling process. Not to mention extremely stressful. The level of stress we are currently experiencing is like no other. There have been a couple of moments in my life that have come close; like being laid-off four times in ten years and then almost losing my Mother in-law twice, due to complications from diabetes, all in the same period. All very stressful moments for the family but this one, tops them all! This is a lot more stress than we can handle, I know we have reached our limit, we need answers, we need some hope. My condition continues to progress with the pain peaking beyond the capabilities of the medication prescribed to manage it. My muscles and nerves continue to cramp and spasm at will causing basic movements like typing or lifting an object like a cup at times very difficult.I am so confused, so frustrated with my health situation it causes me more stress. The thought of losing Lisa, the girls and my home brings tears to my eyes as I type this but the possibility is looking more real each day. I hope it all works out I really do and in my heart I feel it will. I don't know how but I feel it will and this thought gives me the hope I need to continue each day.

Pain Management

On most days lately, I find myself needing to walk with a cane which makes the task slightly more bearable. I used to love to walk for fun with my girls and Sasha, in the woods, along the water front and even at work. Now it is one of my least favorite things to do simply due to the pain factor. A sad situation which I found contributes to my depression.

With every muscle fibre required to move a foot, there is a concentration of pain felt in my back and my hips. From there it travels into my joints and muscles and eventually I succumb to whole body pain. Where I feel the concentration of pain and its degree of severity are different with each new day.

These days I have been relying heavily on pain medication to be able to move through the pain. Otherwise, I would be laying idle preserving energy and in pain prevention mode and becoming more depressed.

Suffering from chronic pain is not a good quality of life and neither is becoming addicted to pain medication. Never before did I understand how someone could become addicted to pain pills but now I do.

Once you start ridding yourself of pain you no longer want to experience anymore again. You begin to take pills abruptly upon the first signs of pain in an attempt to prevent the pain from increasing and becoming out of control. Then your body begins to build a tolerance to the medication and you need to constantly increase the dosage. Before long you are addicted and your life begins to spiral out of control.

We've all heard the stories.

The past two months have been extremely painful and my demand of the pain medication has increased exponentially. My doctor has expressed her concerns of the increasing demand on the pain pills. She says it is potentially a sign of possible pain medication addiction. I can assure everyone I am not addicted to pain medication.

Unless you experience chronic pain you will never be able to understand how it wears you down and then begins inducing depression. This combination is far more potentially lethal than taking one extra pill a day which is still well within the medications guidelines.

I know people are only trying to express concern and don't want to see anything bad happen to me and my family. I want to say thank you for your concern but please trust me as I am still of sound and rational mind. I have experienced severe chronic pain everyday for two years now, all I want is the pain to go away.

Bio

I was born in 1965 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada my given name is Stephan and most of my life I have gone by Stephen and now Steve.

Since 1985 I have resided in many locations throughout Hamilton, Ontario. A part of the Niagara Escarpment which stretches a 725km distance from Niagara to Tobermory, it is classified as a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve. Also, the home to over 100 waterfalls in the immediate area. There is much more to Hamilton than Steel Mills, pollution and a decrepit downtown core.

Until January 2010 my life was fairly typical. I'm married and we have two young children and a dog. I worked as a Quality Assurance Specialist for the past twenty three years and trying to advance my career like everybody else. Just another squirrel trying to get a nut.

I stay home now and keep the house and watch our three year old daughter.

Currently I am unable to work but I hope in the not so distant future I will be able to return to work. Unfortunately, I don't have a job to return to as my last employer terminated my employment through a restructure plan. Hmm, how convenient. Definitely an opportunity for some law changes here.

I realize I will likely not be able to return to my old career and I will be OK with that. When I was younger I wanted to be a journalist. I hope I can partially realize this dream now by being a freelance writer. This blog will be a great practice ground in honing my craft.

Each day brings a new set of challenges for me and my family. I am still a work in progress on being able to accept that I can only do my best and what ever happens has happened for some reason.

Although I would like to be able to understand it, it no longer seems as important to be able to do so.

I fell in love with my wife Lisa twelve years ago. A week after my best man Paul's 40th Birthday Party, we started dating, a year later we were married and now we have two wonderful girls, Annalise (8) and Genevieve (3). We also have the "World's Greatest Water Dog" Sasha (5).

My other loves are music, poetry, hockey, photography and the great outdoors. As I become less able, I find myself reaching more often for a good book. The less I am able to sleep the more I love it as well. I used to think sleep was over rated, now I realize I was very wrong.

Perhaps I am perceived to some as unsociable but I prefer to consider myself as socially reserved. I love being around the right people not just any people, then I find hanging out to be a great past time.

I have always enjoyed making people laugh, I hope I can do more of that with this blog.

Although the nature of this blog will mostly be of a serious nature, I believe in the importance of a balanced life. So with every tear we shed together we shall share some laughs as well.

I hope we can just hang out together because if you enjoy this blog then obviously you're the right kind of people.

Introduction

This is a real time biographical journal of my journey through everyday life with an undiagnosed chronic illness.

I suffer from a chronic whole body pain condition which eludes diagnosis.

This is a human interest story that is full of real fear, frustration , and hope combined with real love, hatred and some laughter followed with a touch of sadness.

Of course, I hope that someone will read this, who will be able to help in the diagnosis and treatment of my illness and then my life can go back to normal again. My therapist tells me I must never give up hope. She is right but she is also not living with an undiagnosed illness.

In the meantime I need to write this journal as a therapeutic means to cope with this devastating situation.

To understand the world around us I believe we must understand the people in it. I am one of those people and this is my story.